By Jennifer Ju
Facing Ourselves
Jennifer Ju
Why do talks about race issues quickly devolve into attacks and defensiveness?
The answer in part is because deep down, we are all wounded. The wounds may not be the same for each person, but there are wounds nonetheless. Many of us are scarred by bias and discrimination, even if these scars are not outwardly visible in our daily lives. Why does racism wound us so deeply?
Deep down, we all want to be safe, happy, loved and accepted. Being the target of discrimination and hatred because of our skin color triggers our survival mechanism, because they are dangers to our most basic human needs to be safe and accepted.
On the other hand, defensiveness is also an aspect of our survival mechanism. We wield defensiveness as a shield because we want to feel okay. We feel that if we are not okay, then we could be shunned or unacceptable. This feels like a threat to our survival, because throughout history, we have learned that there is safety in numbers. So defensiveness, which may be a tool we use to help us feel safe, can also prevent us from seeing what we need to see, deafen us to what we need to hear, desensitize us to what we need to notice and numb us from doing what we need to do.
What is it that we need to see? We need to truly see the person who is in front of us. We start by acknowledging that we all share these universal needs. We all crave safety and acceptance. We all want to be loved.
We also need to see the color of a person’s skin, with openness and curiosity and celebration, and not by claiming that we are colorblind. No one is truly colorblind, no matter what they say. Claiming to be colorblind seems to be a way of saying you are not biased while whitewashing others and losing the opportunity to learn from those of different backgrounds. Would it be beneficial to say one is colorblind when we view a beautiful rainbow? Of course not.
What is it that we need to hear? We need to hear the suffering, anger and fear. We need to sit in compassionate presence when we hear about the experiences that people have encountered. We need to express our sorrow for what has happened and what is happening. We need to hear these difficult emotions and experiences without immediately saying “Yeah, but” or “It wasn’t me who did those things.”
What is it that we need to notice? We need to be aware of our subtle biases. Every one of us has bias. It does not mean that these biases are intentional or automatically make us bad people. We need to notice, question, learn, communicate, clarify and re-evaluate our beliefs and assumptions. Do we automatically lock the doors when we see a person of color approach our car? Are we aware of cultural appropriation when it occurs? Do we notice and question stereotypes involving one ethnicity being smarter, more athletic, lazier or louder than others?
We also need to notice if we are feeling ashamed or if we are shaming others during these difficult conversations. Psychological studies show that shaming others and being ashamed are not useful in creating effective, positive, long-term change, which is what we seek.
What is it that we need to do? We need to be accountable for our thoughts and actions. We need to be brave and speak our truth. We can embrace our differences without attempting to homogenize culture into something that is bland and inauthentic. We need to have the courage to face our own flaws and prejudices and the ways in which we have contributed to the problem. This goes for all of us, minorities included.
We need to have compassion for each other, acknowledging the difficulties and injustices we have faced. We need to have forgiveness for the perpetrators who do want to change and correct mistakes, and forgiveness for ourselves, for the ways in which our own biases, unintentional or otherwise, have caused harm. We need to look at each other with eyes that see the common humanity we share within.
We can focus on the present and work toward a better future, together. We are all part of the problem, but we are all part of the solution.
Jennifer Ju, MD is a physician who is a graduate of the Brown University family medicine residency program. She is also an actor and writer who has performed in various theatres across the state and whose plays have been produced locally. Ju has also presented numerous online and in-person workshops on mindfulness, health and wellness for parents and children, as well as for pre-K-12 educators in New Haven and Fairfield counties.